Honest and Real

Sometimes, I have to scream.

This has been a hard week for me. Just me personally. Nothing major is going on, or wrong, I am just tired, cranky, easily angered, feeling fat and just plain worn out. The kids all had bad colds this week, so we've been stuck in the house with lots of snot, crankiness and little healthful sleep. (I think every load of laundry has had tissues covering everything).

These are the days when I struggle with thoughts like: I am clearly not cut-out to be a mom... I don't know if I can do this again tomorrow... we're having another baby?!!... what am I gonna do then?...

In fact, I have had a few breakdown-bawling spells - which I realize has something to do with the whole hormonal imbalance of pregnancy and the whole worn out and exhausted thing. But, honestly.

Thankfully, my husband is so understanding and says I'm doing a good job, as he holds me tenderly whilst I soak his strong shoulder in a thick layer of tears, mascara and snot... *sigh*

I think of my mom a lot when I have these 'breakdowns'. She had to deal with the four of us kids in a little tiny trailer, in the middle of nowhere, without family or support of any kind, while my dad worked all the time trying to build our house and start his business. She made most (all?) of our clothes, the washer and dryer were in an out-building and they slept on the hide-a-bed in the living room every night. I think of this and I shake my head, wondering how she didn't go all loony, as I feel I am going to do on some days.

There are several of you, my friends, who have more kids than I do, and I don't hear you complain. How do you do it? How do you deal with the whining and the tears and the fighting and the messes and the lack of sleep and the lack of time to yourself and the demands, and the constant cooking and cleaning and, and, and....

How did the pioneer women do it? How did my grandmothers do it? Making everything from scratch, there were no drive-thru's, no proper health care, no dishwashers, no videos to stick their kids in front of for that much needed break... So what is my problem?

I think of that Scripture that I always thought I was pretty good at:

3 Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. 4 Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. –1 Peter 3:3-4

A 'gentle and quiet spirit'. I've always had one of those, at least, I thought I did. Now, well, I feel the words grumpy and cranky, might be more appropriate. Which must look pretty frumpy and ugly to the One who sees my Inner Self.

I need to enroll myself into the Holy Spirit's Inner Self Make-Over Program.

Then, even as I write this, my little boy comes to give me his goodnight kiss, which is a kiss on my cheek that he holds there for a good fifteen seconds as we both giggle. *melt, melt*

Those little people. So frustrating and so wonderful. So delicate and so resilient. So tender, so fragile, so aware of what's going on around them... They have a huge tank that needs filled daily with my love, acceptance and encouragement. God help me do this and do it well.

The Words I'm asking to wash me and help me.

I do know - this too shall pass. I know I have a Redeemer and He is ever near. I know tomorrow is fresh with new mercy to receive, goodness to partake of and grace to grasp onto. I know He will help me and protect our family in His great, kind, true love. I know He sees it all, and cares for every little bit... and oh I feel a bawling-spell coming on... ;)

Goodnight all,