The Voice

Sometimes I just have to sit down and type something, it's a lot like an itch that must be scratched. There is also a bit of freedom in knowing that hardly anyone reads my blog so really, I could write whatever I wanted and no one would know, and yet it's out there in a vast cyber-space with millions of other peoples thoughts and words. Humph.

Isn't it almost absurd how many people have their own blog and can tell us so many things based on their own convictions/agenda/religon/politics/filters/childhood/.... I have read so many different blog posts by other mom's just like myself telling me how I should get my child to sleep at night, when to breastfeed or not to breastfeed, discipline my child or not discipline my child, or not let them watch too much TV, or let them play video games, or not let them play video games, or what to feed them, or what not to feed them all based on their own convictions and beliefs and experiences. The amount of information we have access to these days is astounding and mind-numbing, isn't it? Along with overwhelming and confusing.

Like right now in my life I'm desperately trying to figure out what to do with our own homeschool here in the Ward household. (sigh) I sigh because I am; 1. not an intellect with the fore-knowledge of a prophet who can conclude what each of my children need in the future and present scholastically, and 2. there is just WAY too many opinions and curriculum out there that I almost want to set fire to my computer and gouge my eyes out or just move my whole family to India and help feed, water and clothe the poor and needy and call that "learned".

I don't need any of these voices that are SO loud and constantly making themselves heard. I don't NEED them. Yet I find myself constantly turning to the internet and looking up what other moms are doing; how do they teach, discipline, feed, channel, clothe, form... their children. I enjoy seeing what others do, yet I'm not sure it actually helps ME and my children. Or does it? I can't decide.

I think if we're being honest the real reason we search the web and find out what others are doing in a matter that concerns us or to see what someone thinks of something is because ultimately we desire to succeed in who we are and what we're about and we're hoping to find the answer, the 'quick fix', the key to fulfilling that desire. (Much like my weight issues...).

In the deep recesses of my heart and soul I know there really is only one Person that I want to hear from. Know what He thinks and follow. There really is only One true source of input I need and only One I should put any 'stock' into. And only One whom I should be imitating and giving my children as an established opinion or way. He has already established a Way to follow and path to walk and a life to live. He established it in His Torah (Bible) and really that should be my plumb-line and foundation and the voice I hear in my head on a moment-by-moment basis.

Yahweh help me to pursue Your voice and write Your words on my heart that I might not sin against You or turn aside to the left or the right in my pursuit of life. The voices around us these days are so very loud and persistently trying to draw my heart from the ultimate Voice. Clarify my thoughts that only You are heard and help me to establish YOU and Your voice in our home.


Deuteronomy 11:13 `And it hath been -- if thou hearken diligently unto My commands which I am commanding you to-day, to love Yehovah your God, and to serve Him with all your heart, and with all your soul --

14 that I have given the rain of your land in its season -- sprinkling and gathered -- and thou hast gathered thy corn, and thy new wine, and thine oil,

15 and I have given herbs in thy field for thy cattle, and thou hast eaten, and been satisfied.

16 `Take heed to yourselves, lest your heart be enticed, and ye have turned aside, and served other gods, and bowed yourselves to them,

Joshua 22:5 Only, be very watchful to do the command and the law which Moses, servant of Yehovah, commanded you, to love Yehovah your God, and to walk in all His ways, and to keep His commands, and to cleave to Him, and to serve Him, with all your heart, and with all your soul.'

1 Kings 2:3

Observe the charge of Adonai your God to go in his ways and keep his regulations, mitzvot, rulings and instructions in accordance with what is written in the Torah of Moshe; so that you will succeed in all you do and wherever you go.

Proverbs 3:6

In all your ways acknowledge him; then he will level your paths.

I Find Myself

I find myself overwhelmed.... every. day.  I know this is the product of over-tasking and over-thinking and over-stimulation, and overemphasizing the small stuff, but mostly I have come to the conclusion that it is mostly because I have this internal perfective (not sure that is a word) instinct to control every situation, as relates to my own home/family/children.

I find myself in this soulish-controversy to want my children to be courageously themselves and then trying to make them who I think they should be, or train them to be good, perfect people.

I find myself wandering around my house, muttering about the state of constant disaster as I try to perfect my surroundings with picking up every little thing and tidying and scrubbing - mostly just following my 17 month old's wake of disastrous exploration - and I discontentedly wonder why no one else seems to care?

Then, I find myself in the small space of time that I do have to myself, at night, usually when I lay my head on the pillow, but often when I am prepping for tomorrow's lesson, or lunch making or sitting down at the computer to write someone back - the lack of demanding people in that moment of quiet startles me into revelation sometimes. Which clearly, is the Ruach Ha Kodesh (Holy Spirit), giving me the chance to listen for a moment, He glimmers at my soul with the hopes of tomorrow. You know what I mean?

I can see in that moment that everyday is a gift that I find I am forgetting to really open.

I hate the dichotomy of me; wanting to do everything right and feeling like I can't do anything right.... mostly.

I find myself realizing that all these struggles I'm having with myself - my home, my kids, my thoughts, my whatever... is because I'm finding MYSELF! and not finding Him. I'm trying to do it all within myself, my own ability, my own strength, my own way. No wonder I feel like the failure of the year. Because I just can't do this well, on my own. I can't.

He is able. He is even willing to be the good in me. He is longing for me to give up the struggle and walk in Him to the fullest degree and open up the day as a gift with praise and thanksgiving. "Oh, help me Father to be the wife and mother who reveals You and not myself."

Psalm 16

A miktam^a of David.

1Keep me safe, my God,

for in you I take refuge.

2I say to the Lord, “You are my Lord;

apart from you I have no good thing.”

3I say of the holy people who are in the land,

“They are the noble ones in whom is all my delight.”

4Those who run after other gods will suffer more and more.

I will not pour out libations of blood to such gods

or take up their names on my lips.

5Lord, you alone are my portion and my cup;

you make my lot secure.

6The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;

surely I have a delightful inheritance.

7I will praise the Lord, who counsels me;

even at night my heart instructs me.

8I keep my eyes always on the Lord.

With him at my right hand, I will not be shaken.

9Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices;

my body also will rest secure,

10because you will not abandon me to the realm of the dead,

nor will you let your faithful^b one see decay.

11You make known to me the path of life;

you will fill me with joy in your presence,

with eternal pleasures at your right hand.

Wonderful words of hope to us and our pitiful selves. :)

The thing about life is that it keeps on going... even when you haven't written on your blog in over a YEAR?!!  What?

And the funny (and true-to-form) thing is that I've had a BABY since the last time I wrote on my blog!

This little sweetie is a wonderful, adorable, walking, jabbering, cute-booty full of battling expression, fighting his way to be heard, felt and understood.... aren't we all?

And the AMAZING thing is that, my site-meter says that there are TWO of you who consistently check on my blog to see if I will ever write again - for that I am truly amazed. Thank you, whoever you are - that is love.

The mind boggling thing is that I've been homeschooling my oldest three children this year and next year there will be four that I will "teach" - I say that very loosely because most days, once I've crawled out of bed after a night of multi-feedings and falling asleep in the most awkward of positions, it feels like a miracle when me and my "students" have actually accomplished something academic. Every morning is an explorative search for my brain and it's ability to produce intelligent thought. Not to mention the exploration to find the sweet, patient, encouraging parent I think I once was...

And the most delightful thing is that I am still loved by my wonderful Creator-Father and by my dear husband and children and friends!

Life goes on, its ups and downs, its bends and corners, its surprises and pit-falls and I'm so thankful to be alive, to be healthy and to be able to continue on hand-in-hand with my family and my God.

The world around us is in such turmoil;  such shaking and loosening of morality, faith, beliefs, loyalty, courage, and truth. I pray whoever you are that reads this, that you will be bound tightly to the Righteous Father as the world shakes. That we will be shaken to the solid foundation of Him and be able to then loosen the bonds of those still hanging on to corruptible life, so that they could stand on the incorruptible bedrock of truth with a victorious Messiah who will be revealed as the True King; worshiped and found perfect.

 You will keep them in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because they trust in You. 
Isaiah 26:3

For He is our peace, who has made both one, and has broken down the middle wall of partition [between us].
Ephesians 2:14

He is the SURE THING.

Shalom!