Wednesday, March 4, 2015

I Find Myself

I find myself overwhelmed.... every. day.  I know this is the product of over-tasking and over-thinking and over-stimulation, and overemphasizing the small stuff, but mostly I have come to the conclusion that it is mostly because I have this internal perfective (not sure that is a word) instinct to control every situation, as relates to my own home/family/children.

I find myself in this soulish-controversy to want my children to be courageously themselves and then trying to make them who I think they should be, or train them to be good, perfect people.

I find myself wandering around my house, muttering about the state of constant disaster as I try to perfect my surroundings with picking up every little thing and tidying and scrubbing - mostly just following my 17 month old's wake of disastrous exploration - and I discontentedly wonder why no one else seems to care?

Then, I find myself in the small space of time that I do have to myself, at night, usually when I lay my head on the pillow, but often when I am prepping for tomorrow's lesson, or lunch making or sitting down at the computer to write someone back - the lack of demanding people in that moment of quiet startles me into revelation sometimes. Which clearly, is the Ruach Ha Kodesh (Holy Spirit), giving me the chance to listen for a moment, He glimmers at my soul with the hopes of tomorrow. You know what I mean?

I can see in that moment that everyday is a gift that I find I am forgetting to really open.

I hate the dichotomy of me; wanting to do everything right and feeling like I can't do anything right.... mostly.

I find myself realizing that all these struggles I'm having with myself - my home, my kids, my thoughts, my whatever... is because I'm finding MYSELF! and not finding Him. I'm trying to do it all within myself, my own ability, my own strength, my own way. No wonder I feel like the failure of the year. Because I just can't do this well, on my own. I can't.

He is able. He is even willing to be the good in me. He is longing for me to give up the struggle and walk in Him to the fullest degree and open up the day as a gift with praise and thanksgiving. "Oh, help me Father to be the wife and mother who reveals You and not myself."

Psalm 16
miktama of David.
1Keep me safe, my God,
for in you I take refuge.
2I say to the Lord, “You are my Lord;
apart from you I have no good thing.”
3I say of the holy people who are in the land,
“They are the noble ones in whom is all my delight.”
4Those who run after other gods will suffer more and more.
I will not pour out libations of blood to such gods
or take up their names on my lips.
5Lord, you alone are my portion and my cup;
you make my lot secure.
6The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
surely I have a delightful inheritance.
7I will praise the Lord, who counsels me;
even at night my heart instructs me.
8I keep my eyes always on the Lord.
With him at my right hand, I will not be shaken.
9Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices;
my body also will rest secure,
10because you will not abandon me to the realm of the dead,
nor will you let your faithfulb one see decay.
11You make known to me the path of life;
you will fill me with joy in your presence,
with eternal pleasures at your right hand.

Wonderful words of hope to us and our pitiful selves. :)

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