Friday, March 12, 2010

Lonely Hearted Me

I don't know if I was born shy, but I certainly developed into that stereotype. As a child I remember clinging to my parents legs whenever we went to a social function.
Little girl alone, afraid, hiding, feeling sad photo
I remember trying to come up with any kind of excuse that would keep me in the truck as long as possible when we arrived at family reunions (oooh those were the worst, for some reason!).

I recall that terrifying feeling of having to be on a 'team' game of any kind - because that would mean my team was watching me perform and I was always self-conscious about everything so I would always do badly.

I remember hoping people would do the talking for me, so I wouldn't have to. I would hold back tears whenever I was put on the spot in front of people - just to answer a simple question - because I was so embarrassed to speak.

Still to this day, I feel my face fill with heat when I am put on the spot, am posed a question or tell a story - with everyone, not just strangers.

The inner-turmoil of an intimidated person is very frustrating. You feel like such a loser - you have no confidence in yourself, therefore you feel as though whatever you say will be the wrong thing and fear whatever you do will be seen as insignificant or wrong.

Then, as you get older, shyness is portrayed to most people as being "stuck-up" or haughty. Which is actually as far from the truth as you could get!

Being [this] shy is such a lonely place.

I am sure that homeschooling didn't help this predicament of mine, but in a lot of ways, it was my salvation. Yes, my social skills were completely lacking, I couldn't start a conversation with a stranger to save my life! (Still terrible at it!) But I am certain, had I gone to public school, I would have been the 'follower', the kid that changes into whatever person they need to be in order to receive the affirmation and acceptance of their peers. And boy, that is a scary thought.

Instead, my loneliness's and intimidation's led me to a very close relationship with my parents and a friendship/relationship with Yahshua (Jesus). I remember being around 15 or 16 years old, laying face down on my floor in my bedroom, crying out to the Lord to be my friend. I told Him He could have my hurting, lonely heart and cried out for Him to replace this overwhelming sorrow that made me feel so inadequate, stupid and unwanted.

When I got up off that floor, I felt different. I felt loved and I had an assuring peace, that it didn't really matter if I had any friends or not, I had Him. He was constant, He was true and He wanted me more than any other human being.

There really isn't any experience that I would exchange in lieu of that experience. I can say with all confidence that I am thankful for the lonely years of my childhood. I am so grateful for the relationship I have with my parents because of those years. They are the golden string that I held onto and which led me along in my path of life, along with my Friend - that sticks closer than a brother. (Proverbs 18:24)

With every heart-aching experience I had throughout my life; the rejection of people, guy's I liked, leaders who let me down, friends and family, etc., I always knew Who to go to. A friend of mine once said, "with Stephenie, all roads lead to Jesus". I love that. I want that to be my legacy. I want to live that way.

I laugh now at the thought of being physically lonely - for, as a wife and mother every moment is completely surrounded. In fact, I would like to use the bathroom without another little body in there with me sometimes!

But still, my heart aches for those girl-friend, kindred-spirit's that I am grateful I had in my single days. I still have those dear one's, but they are many thousands of miles away. I have a kindred spirit in my husband for which I am overwhelmingly thankful. But there is just something about that female "bosom-friend" that is unmatched.
There is a loneliness for the times of worship with people who love Yahweh as well.

So even in adulthood, surrounded by the sweetness of family and love, a heart can still be lonely for something or someone. Yet, I have an assurance that will never crumble and that is in the depths of my 'knower'; I have a Friend and He is able to fill the lonely places of my heart and life.

"To give them beauty for ashes, the oil of JOY for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they may be called trees of righteousness." Isaiah 61:3

If He can do it for me, he can do it for anyone.

Now, to unplug the intimidation stuff... but that is another post.



  1. Oh Dear, this strikes so many chords in me - I can't even begin.

    How I relate. Particularly with the motherhood bit these days, but even the loneliness of your youth. I agree, you were very blessed to homeschool and be so close to your parents - neither of these did I have, which contributed to my walking a very different road.

    Thank you for opening your heart and soul to give us a glimpse of Jesus' redemption and security. His companionship is far better than any other.

  2. I have this hope... that someday we will sing again together, in beautiful harmony. Songs that touch the heart of Abba and set the captives free.
    May it not take 'til heaven!