Fierce Momma

 Life charges on ahead even when we are digging our heels in and grasping for anything strong enough to hold onto to slow things down doesn't it? That's certainly how I feel lately.

 Over the last year there have been several epochs of God's chastisement to my character (or lack of), which ALWAYS, because God is who He is, brings me into that place where I am overwhelmed with disgust of my own humanity and overwhelmed by His love FOR my humanity. He's just like that, He made us human with human desires and weaknesses because He loves it when we humble ourselves, and run like an anguished child into His divinity. I think it's in that running to Him and in His embracing of us that we are changed and He gives us what we need of Himself to carry on and do the next, righteous thing.

We decided to take our kids out of public school this spring. Which has always been my desire, but with four young children and me thinking I had to be some kind of super-powered, organizational-wizard with the mind of Albert Einstein and the patience of Mother Theresa, felt duly underqualified to take on such a feat. Seriously.

But then stuff happened. Adonai began showing us things. Things like behaviors from our kids that were obviously NOT learned at home. Violent words were coming out of their mouths and where had their joy gone? I watched some home videos and saw the difference in my son's joyful personality BEFORE he started school! Uggh. That revelation feels a bit like getting socked in the stomach.
 From that, Adonai seemed to flip a switch on in me where I just knew there was no way I couldn't homeschool, I had to. And, like, duh. God would help me... He's sort of the ONE with the super-powers, He kind of organized the entire world, He put Albert Einstein's mind in his skull and filled Mother Theresa with patience. Ok, yeah, let's do this Father.

The other day I was reading a birthday card my dear friend had sent to me, and among the many lovely things she said about me, one thing she said was that I am "couragiously fierce". mmmm, what? Those words lept out at me as I read them, because, certainly I would LIKE to be couragiously fierce, but, I know myself pretty well and I would not put Couragiously Fierce under the definition of Stephenie Ward! Meek, timid, slightly odd with a splash of sweet but not Couragiously Fierce. However, my friend, who sees people how Adonai sees them wouldn't have written that if she didn't perceive it to be true.

  FIERCE: 1. Having a savage and violent nature; ferocious. (well, yes, when I find those creepy spiders) 2. Extremely severe or violent. (not so much) 3. Extremely intense or ardent. (I have my moments) 4. Strenuously active or resolute. (only when I can no longer stand the mess in the kitchen!) 5. vehement, intense, or strong. (it does take some intense strength and vehement courage to fish out the doody from the bath that some child left for me) ADJ. marked by extreme intensity of emotions or convictions; inclined to react violently; fervid; "fierce loyalty'....

HMMMMM. Wait a monute.... Ahh haa, I get it now. I got me some Fierce. Because if the Enemy of all that is rightousness and true, pure and innocent, lovely and joy-filled wants to wage battle aginst the fruit of MY loins; the precious treasures that Adonai has given me and my husband and draw them into his wiles and his deceptive plans, well then HERE is one couragiously fierce momma who plans on grasping one hand to the hand of her Beloved, and the other hand to the hearts of her children; pulling them into the divine protection and guidance of an even more fierce love.

The time we have with our kids is so small in comparison to the amount of time they will be "on their own", making their own decisions that will affect the rest of their lives and the lives whom they touch. We get one chance.

And if you homeschool, you ARE couragiously fierce. Because doesn't everyone and their sister start telling you exactly what they think of homeschooling when you tell them that's what you are doing? and dont they ALL say the same thing? "Aren't you worried about how they will be socialized?" "They need to be socialized."

It takes courageous resolution to do what society, peers and even family think is unacceptible.

  I personally don't think Adonai is covering His eyes, afraid to watch, biting His nails, worrying about how our children will assimilate themselves socially in this world. In fact, I think He and His troop of angels are standing behind our kids in an uproarious audience, shouting encouragement and life, joy and peace as the children pursue God's economy, intentions, destiny and truth.

 And frankly, I've seen what our society has to offer socially and I'm pretty sure we're not interested.

"Make me a worthy momma who will raise learned children who will dazzle the world with Torah and goodness". Part of our Shabbat Kiddush I pray every Sabbath.

And just in case there are those of you reading this and you are sending your kids to school, please know that I think you are very courageous too, especially if you believe that is what God is asking you to do. And I pray for Adonai to give your children everything they need to walk that destiny out with complete protection and mercy, unscathed by the plans of the Enemy and instead leave an impression of God on those around them.

 And I know many of you are just trying to put one foot in front of the other in the morning and the thought of homeschooling makes you want to burst into to tears, or perhaps you've already raised your children and they are now in adulthood and you wish you had done things differently. I understand that. These thoughts are my thoughts, and where me and my family are in life. I cannot speak for anyone else, other than to say that God is not going to fail you in your pursuit of Him. He is courageously fierce for you and your children. He loves to be given the opportunity to work in the "impossible".

Lets stay fierce,

Smart, Good-Looking AND Completely Inadequate.

Well, here I am. Posting my very first blog post. Hope you don't fall asleep as you read.

For as long as I can remember I have thought that I was rather dumb and of little value (even though my parents were extremely loving and encouraging and remain so today). Could have had something to do with the fact that I homeschooled; I taught myself via video's that I would fast forward or just do the subjects I liked, then go outside with my dog for long walks in the hills. Indeed, it was a very prestigious education.

I felt very fortunate to have passed the GED test in my Junior year. Then I headed to Bible College - and I passed those classes (gasp) - I prayed very fervantly before every test and paper, and I totally believed that the Lord helped me and He was the one who passed me.

Although I still believe He helped me, as I have matured a bit, developed a tad, and became a wife and mother, I have come to realize that quite possibly, I might actually, maybe, perhaps, potentially, incidentally have some God-given intellect!

Do you know? - I can breastfeed a baby, sing a lullaby, wipe a nose, plan dinner, write an email, look 'adorable' and explain to my daughter why she probably shouldn't eat that raisen-looking piece of fruit she found under the couch, ALL at the same time! Clearly it must take intellect, multiple digit and limb coordination, right and left brain synergy and good looks (my husband thinks I am adorable) to be able to be a wife and mother.

Being married to a man who loves me and has proven over and over again that he loves me in spite of my actions, over-emotional being, clumsiness, not to mention my daily lack of beauty-queen status has been a humbling and a beautiful gift from Yahweh (God) as well as a revelation of my worth.

Caring for little people on a 24-hour basis also establishes a sense of value - for one cannot have a baby and not feel needed in every capacity. But not only that, it's the love and affection of a my child that makes me melt into a puddle of humility considering that I can often hourly feel inadequate, have failed them in some way or another and entirely unable to fulfill the demands, yet their love of me is constant. Even overwhelmingly so - if you knew my daughter Hope, you would know what I mean.

But if you take all of that away - my husband, children, accomplishments, etc. - am I still of value and worth? I believe I am. (Hopefully I am not tested in that capacity!) The standard the world uses to measure a person's value is completely and utterly opposite to God's standard. He made me, I have worth. Period. It's my responsibility to give my life back to Him and be faithful and take part in His character so the value I have increases in measure by the amount of fruit I produce. Right? That's how I see it anyway.

We are each one valuable, worthy of love, and unconditionally loved, if not always by your family, there is always a Greater Love that surpasses all earthy love anyway.

I mess up (a lot), I ask for forgiveness and I receive love. I hope I will do better tomorrow. *what am I going to make for dinner?*