Fierce Momma

 Life charges on ahead even when we are digging our heels in and grasping for anything strong enough to hold onto to slow things down doesn't it? That's certainly how I feel lately.

 Over the last year there have been several epochs of God's chastisement to my character (or lack of), which ALWAYS, because God is who He is, brings me into that place where I am overwhelmed with disgust of my own humanity and overwhelmed by His love FOR my humanity. He's just like that, He made us human with human desires and weaknesses because He loves it when we humble ourselves, and run like an anguished child into His divinity. I think it's in that running to Him and in His embracing of us that we are changed and He gives us what we need of Himself to carry on and do the next, righteous thing.

We decided to take our kids out of public school this spring. Which has always been my desire, but with four young children and me thinking I had to be some kind of super-powered, organizational-wizard with the mind of Albert Einstein and the patience of Mother Theresa, felt duly underqualified to take on such a feat. Seriously.

But then stuff happened. Adonai began showing us things. Things like behaviors from our kids that were obviously NOT learned at home. Violent words were coming out of their mouths and where had their joy gone? I watched some home videos and saw the difference in my son's joyful personality BEFORE he started school! Uggh. That revelation feels a bit like getting socked in the stomach.
 From that, Adonai seemed to flip a switch on in me where I just knew there was no way I couldn't homeschool, I had to. And, like, duh. God would help me... He's sort of the ONE with the super-powers, He kind of organized the entire world, He put Albert Einstein's mind in his skull and filled Mother Theresa with patience. Ok, yeah, let's do this Father.

The other day I was reading a birthday card my dear friend had sent to me, and among the many lovely things she said about me, one thing she said was that I am "couragiously fierce". mmmm, what? Those words lept out at me as I read them, because, certainly I would LIKE to be couragiously fierce, but, I know myself pretty well and I would not put Couragiously Fierce under the definition of Stephenie Ward! Meek, timid, slightly odd with a splash of sweet but not Couragiously Fierce. However, my friend, who sees people how Adonai sees them wouldn't have written that if she didn't perceive it to be true.

  FIERCE: 1. Having a savage and violent nature; ferocious. (well, yes, when I find those creepy spiders) 2. Extremely severe or violent. (not so much) 3. Extremely intense or ardent. (I have my moments) 4. Strenuously active or resolute. (only when I can no longer stand the mess in the kitchen!) 5. vehement, intense, or strong. (it does take some intense strength and vehement courage to fish out the doody from the bath that some child left for me) ADJ. marked by extreme intensity of emotions or convictions; inclined to react violently; fervid; "fierce loyalty'....

HMMMMM. Wait a monute.... Ahh haa, I get it now. I got me some Fierce. Because if the Enemy of all that is rightousness and true, pure and innocent, lovely and joy-filled wants to wage battle aginst the fruit of MY loins; the precious treasures that Adonai has given me and my husband and draw them into his wiles and his deceptive plans, well then HERE is one couragiously fierce momma who plans on grasping one hand to the hand of her Beloved, and the other hand to the hearts of her children; pulling them into the divine protection and guidance of an even more fierce love.

The time we have with our kids is so small in comparison to the amount of time they will be "on their own", making their own decisions that will affect the rest of their lives and the lives whom they touch. We get one chance.

And if you homeschool, you ARE couragiously fierce. Because doesn't everyone and their sister start telling you exactly what they think of homeschooling when you tell them that's what you are doing? and dont they ALL say the same thing? "Aren't you worried about how they will be socialized?" "They need to be socialized."

It takes courageous resolution to do what society, peers and even family think is unacceptible.

  I personally don't think Adonai is covering His eyes, afraid to watch, biting His nails, worrying about how our children will assimilate themselves socially in this world. In fact, I think He and His troop of angels are standing behind our kids in an uproarious audience, shouting encouragement and life, joy and peace as the children pursue God's economy, intentions, destiny and truth.

 And frankly, I've seen what our society has to offer socially and I'm pretty sure we're not interested.

"Make me a worthy momma who will raise learned children who will dazzle the world with Torah and goodness". Part of our Shabbat Kiddush I pray every Sabbath.

And just in case there are those of you reading this and you are sending your kids to school, please know that I think you are very courageous too, especially if you believe that is what God is asking you to do. And I pray for Adonai to give your children everything they need to walk that destiny out with complete protection and mercy, unscathed by the plans of the Enemy and instead leave an impression of God on those around them.

 And I know many of you are just trying to put one foot in front of the other in the morning and the thought of homeschooling makes you want to burst into to tears, or perhaps you've already raised your children and they are now in adulthood and you wish you had done things differently. I understand that. These thoughts are my thoughts, and where me and my family are in life. I cannot speak for anyone else, other than to say that God is not going to fail you in your pursuit of Him. He is courageously fierce for you and your children. He loves to be given the opportunity to work in the "impossible".

Lets stay fierce,

It's only been six months...

Well, I tell you, this four-kids thing has sure slowed down my ability to put thoughts together that make any sense and/or are worth writing in a blog where other human beings (as opposed to what...idk) read.

I am stupified and mesmerized that it has been SIX MONTHS since my last post. Rediculous. So, thanks to some encouragement from a dear friend, I will try to pull it together...

I'm sitting here trying to think of a way to re-cap the last six months without boring you all to tears, and having a difficult time. So I will (try to) just give gentle descriptions of a few of the important highlights.

My Sweet Hope turned four years old. She pretty much planned her little party and the cake and had a list of potential gifts for months before her

actual birthday. Everything she saw (usually anything pink) she would add to her list... I was beginning to think she was going to be extremely disappointed when birthday time came, but, good grief - did she make out like a bandit! Love that girl!

We had the first of MANY snow fall's on November 19th. Not neccesarily a 'highlight' to me, per say, but there it is. And for those of you who know my absolute fondness (sarcasm) for winter, I want you to know I

determined in my heart to remain positive and try to rejoice in all the white, cold, miserable,
beautiful winter, and I feel I had victory. It was also a tremendous help that we purchased a new-to-us suburban that actually made it up our road in the snow without any intercession and/or multiple tries and driving backwards up the drive way! It was glorious!

We are going to church. [gasp]
Okay, let me back up a tad, Jason and I have been praying since we married about going to church, and neither of us ever had any real answers. We specifically prayed that we would meet the people He wanted us to be in relationship with for that much needed and longed for 'fellowship' (for lack of a better word) and if church was a part of that then so be it. Well, long story short - the Lord used Justice's kindergarten class and another playday event with the kids to introduce us to some wonderful new friends and church. :) We are sooo loving getting to know these dear people - there are several families with young children whom we get to hang out with on a weekly basis! This is so long in coming and we are grateful. The best outcome of this has been that our kids are making wonderful friendships with kids who have like-minded parents and values - that is such a gift to us.

Justice turned SIX years old! Holy toledo. He is growing so tall, maturing, learning so much, has so many interests and is such a good,

sweet boy. We are very proud of him. Although I'm struggling a smidge with all this maturity and growth - I miss my baby boy, yet, what a wonderful thing to see him become his own person. Thinking about it is exciting, because I know Yahweh has so many good things ahead for our kids.

Grace is finally starting to have words and sentences that we can understand. THIS is a big deal. It can be such a frustration to all involved when verbal communication consists of pointing, whining, pulling of hair (my own) and an occasional growl. She is getting there. :)

Mercy is growing so fast. She is such a joy, loves being with her siblings and her siblings ADORE her. She handles over-affection very well. That girl is loved. Although, her new thing lately - since having an ear infection and no longer breastfeeding - is to scream when she wants something, we're talking the kind of scream that makes you wish you were devoid of nerves and ears, and makes you daydream about some kind of device that could be placed over the child's head that would render her vocal chords temporarily useless until she can tell you what she wants and asks with a please and thank you, kind of scream. And she screams between bites of food, for pete's sake... anyway, we have NO idea how to stop this and are open to interventions
advice.

My parents came for two visits this autumn/winter (yay!).

I got my hair cut and colored (money saving tip: go 8 months between haircuts!)

Jason cut his hair [gasp]... not quite short enough, in my humble oppinion, but it's a start... He's handsome all the time, I know.

We've gotten quite a bit done in our basement, it's even got color on the walls and there's flooring!

I think I may be done breastfeeding... like for. ever... [let's just sit in silence and ponder that statement for a moment]

Because I'm no longer breastfeeding, I am now slowly starting to change my diet to a more vegetarian/raw diet and really loving it (even losing a few pounds). This is a great websight on the subject if ever you are interested. http://rawfoodrehab.ning.com

I got a steam mop.

It's SPRING. [can you hear the Hallelujah chorus?]

And that is probably enough. If you've read this entire post, well, God bless you and return all the time you lost ten-fold!! Thanks for reading. Until next time.... much love and HAPPY SPRING!

[side note: It's been so long since I've blogged, I can't find the spell check, so um, just ignore all the misspelled words, okeedokee? ty]

Smart, Good-Looking AND Completely Inadequate.

Well, here I am. Posting my very first blog post. Hope you don't fall asleep as you read.

For as long as I can remember I have thought that I was rather dumb and of little value (even though my parents were extremely loving and encouraging and remain so today). Could have had something to do with the fact that I homeschooled; I taught myself via video's that I would fast forward or just do the subjects I liked, then go outside with my dog for long walks in the hills. Indeed, it was a very prestigious education.

I felt very fortunate to have passed the GED test in my Junior year. Then I headed to Bible College - and I passed those classes (gasp) - I prayed very fervantly before every test and paper, and I totally believed that the Lord helped me and He was the one who passed me.

Although I still believe He helped me, as I have matured a bit, developed a tad, and became a wife and mother, I have come to realize that quite possibly, I might actually, maybe, perhaps, potentially, incidentally have some God-given intellect!

Do you know? - I can breastfeed a baby, sing a lullaby, wipe a nose, plan dinner, write an email, look 'adorable' and explain to my daughter why she probably shouldn't eat that raisen-looking piece of fruit she found under the couch, ALL at the same time! Clearly it must take intellect, multiple digit and limb coordination, right and left brain synergy and good looks (my husband thinks I am adorable) to be able to be a wife and mother.

Being married to a man who loves me and has proven over and over again that he loves me in spite of my actions, over-emotional being, clumsiness, not to mention my daily lack of beauty-queen status has been a humbling and a beautiful gift from Yahweh (God) as well as a revelation of my worth.

Caring for little people on a 24-hour basis also establishes a sense of value - for one cannot have a baby and not feel needed in every capacity. But not only that, it's the love and affection of a my child that makes me melt into a puddle of humility considering that I can often hourly feel inadequate, have failed them in some way or another and entirely unable to fulfill the demands, yet their love of me is constant. Even overwhelmingly so - if you knew my daughter Hope, you would know what I mean.

But if you take all of that away - my husband, children, accomplishments, etc. - am I still of value and worth? I believe I am. (Hopefully I am not tested in that capacity!) The standard the world uses to measure a person's value is completely and utterly opposite to God's standard. He made me, I have worth. Period. It's my responsibility to give my life back to Him and be faithful and take part in His character so the value I have increases in measure by the amount of fruit I produce. Right? That's how I see it anyway.

We are each one valuable, worthy of love, and unconditionally loved, if not always by your family, there is always a Greater Love that surpasses all earthy love anyway.

I mess up (a lot), I ask for forgiveness and I receive love. I hope I will do better tomorrow. *what am I going to make for dinner?*