Do you ever feel as though you were sailing along fine in the Sea of God, when all the sudden you realize you aren't actually going anywhere anymore, and in fact your 'boat' is actually stuck atop a rock? Yep.
I have felt this way for some time. Could it be since I was married, or started having children? It could be. The very intimate places of my heart where I go with the Lord are getting a little crowded with the other loves of my life.
Before I got married, I wondered and even asked other married women whom I knew had a close relationship with Yeshua (Jesus); how do I share my heart? How do I love a man whole-heartedly and love my Heavenly Husband with "all my heart, mind, soul and strength"? They responded essentially the same way - 'marriage makes you closer to the Lord'. Well, we'll have been married seven years this month (and more in love now) but being brutally honest here, I feel far more distant now then I did before I married.
Hmmm,
or is it just different?
When I got engaged, I remember writing a new song to the Lord directly responding to the joy and thrill I felt in my heart of being 'spoken for', because I could so more clearly feel that connection between how the the Lord felt about me and I about him because of the physical joy and love I felt towards my Jason. It was and is a wonderful, wonderful experience that I treasure.
Now seven years of blissful marriage and four beautiful kids later, instead of going to the piano and playing my heart out to Him in prayer and intimate love and worship and hearing Him sing and speak to me in response, I find my heart screeming prayers for help throughout the day as I try to take deep breaths to calm my nerves and needing His help and wisdom to just get through the day without reacting in anger or impatience to my children. Which to me, sounds just terrible. I hate feeling that way; out of control and angry, but it is there. It's in my heart. It's my struggle. It's not ALL the time, but it is often.
So, does this mean that I have lost all the treasures He gave me in my life before I had children? Does it mean I no longer have Him in me, or using me, or ministering through me? Well, I certainly don't think I am producing the fruit that I should be if I were really spending the time in His presence as I should be. I am quite certain that the reason I am struggling with anger and lack of self-control and patience is because my heart is not fully residing within the intimate place of His presence on a daily basis. But, if my heart didn't belong to Him then I don't think it would cry out to Him in those moments when I feel myself slipping.
And when I finally get to lay my head down on my pillow at night and close my eyes, my mind and heart wouldn't go directly to the place of "Oh Yahweh, I need You. I NEED You to direct this family, my heart, my mind and our every moment."
YES, when I do get a moment and I
choose to go to Him in that moment,
He's there. He's there just like that big, huge rock in the picture above - holding me in place so I don't end up in a heap of rubble on the shoreline in the middle of my every day. He holds me tight and secure and loves me.
He alone is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will never be shaken. Psalm 62:2Yahweh does not so easily give up. He does not love me because I am a perfect mother, wife or woman. He does not stop giving, because I have stopped giving. He certainly has every right to, but He chooses to be resplendantly life-giving and unconditionally loving to....me!
And you know what? I get to respond. And though I would LOVE to respond by locking myself in a dark room with a grand piano and pour out love song after love song, I respond with a simple 'thank you, My King' and go to sleep... or continue with the next thing on my list, or go change a poopy diaper, or get a hug from my husband (my favorite).
The people surrounding my heart in the everyday, present world, are the gifts that the Lord has given me and I get to [try my best] to love them like He has shown me to love - He does it SO well.
Be encouraged, be rock-solid secure in the love that Yahweh has for you, and just keep going. That's the word to my own heart today. :)
He is the Rock, his works are perfect, and all his ways are just. A faithful God who does no wrong, upright and just is he. Deuteronomy 32:4There is no one holy like the LORD; there is no one besides you; there is no Rock like our God. 1 Samuel 2:2My God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation. He is my stronghold, my refuge and my savior— from violent men you save me. 2 Samuel 22:3and so many more....
A lovely Autumn day it was. Tonight I sit nursing one daughter while sitting with my two other daughters, willing them to just settle down and sleep, I touch my Gracie's head and begin to think about how blessed I am. The thought overwhelms me for a moment. God has given me so much.
