Honest and Real

Sometimes, I have to scream.

This has been a hard week for me. Just me personally. Nothing major is going on, or wrong, I am just tired, cranky, easily angered, feeling fat and just plain worn out. The kids all had bad colds this week, so we've been stuck in the house with lots of snot, crankiness and little healthful sleep. (I think every load of laundry has had tissues covering everything).

These are the days when I struggle with thoughts like: I am clearly not cut-out to be a mom... I don't know if I can do this again tomorrow... we're having another baby?!!... what am I gonna do then?...

In fact, I have had a few breakdown-bawling spells - which I realize has something to do with the whole hormonal imbalance of pregnancy and the whole worn out and exhausted thing. But, honestly.

Thankfully, my husband is so understanding and says I'm doing a good job, as he holds me tenderly whilst I soak his strong shoulder in a thick layer of tears, mascara and snot... *sigh*

I think of my mom a lot when I have these 'breakdowns'. She had to deal with the four of us kids in a little tiny trailer, in the middle of nowhere, without family or support of any kind, while my dad worked all the time trying to build our house and start his business. She made most (all?) of our clothes, the washer and dryer were in an out-building and they slept on the hide-a-bed in the living room every night. I think of this and I shake my head, wondering how she didn't go all loony, as I feel I am going to do on some days.

There are several of you, my friends, who have more kids than I do, and I don't hear you complain. How do you do it? How do you deal with the whining and the tears and the fighting and the messes and the lack of sleep and the lack of time to yourself and the demands, and the constant cooking and cleaning and, and, and....

How did the pioneer women do it? How did my grandmothers do it? Making everything from scratch, there were no drive-thru's, no proper health care, no dishwashers, no videos to stick their kids in front of for that much needed break... So what is my problem?

I think of that Scripture that I always thought I was pretty good at:

3 Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. 4 Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. –1 Peter 3:3-4

A 'gentle and quiet spirit'. I've always had one of those, at least, I thought I did. Now, well, I feel the words grumpy and cranky, might be more appropriate. Which must look pretty frumpy and ugly to the One who sees my Inner Self.

I need to enroll myself into the Holy Spirit's Inner Self Make-Over Program.

Then, even as I write this, my little boy comes to give me his goodnight kiss, which is a kiss on my cheek that he holds there for a good fifteen seconds as we both giggle. *melt, melt*

Those little people. So frustrating and so wonderful. So delicate and so resilient. So tender, so fragile, so aware of what's going on around them... They have a huge tank that needs filled daily with my love, acceptance and encouragement. God help me do this and do it well.

The Words I'm asking to wash me and help me.

I do know - this too shall pass. I know I have a Redeemer and He is ever near. I know tomorrow is fresh with new mercy to receive, goodness to partake of and grace to grasp onto. I know He will help me and protect our family in His great, kind, true love. I know He sees it all, and cares for every little bit... and oh I feel a bawling-spell coming on... ;)

Goodnight all,

Laughter Is The Best Prozac

If any of you know me very well, or have ever lived with me, you know I can be rather serious, melancholy and down right moody at times. In fact, all my life I have struggled with that stupid self-pity demon, which always makes one see the glass as half empty.

Being Melancholy isn't a bad thing, it's usually the personality trait of some of the most talented musicians and artists, but it can be suffocating at times. Feeling like you can't get out of the "pit of despair" as Anne (of Green Gables) would put it.

Consequently, the Father ever so strategically, placed people in my life, from the beginning, who had a great sense of humor. My father being the first. That man can wake up happy - singing songs even! Without a cup of coffee first, or a shower! The horror! I remember many a Saturday waking up to the smell of french toast cooking and the sound of my Papa singing some variation of an old song he knows - and usually, ahem... with great zeal.
Now, one has to be in a pretty darn sober mood to not crack a smile at that. He is such a jovial man. But, please Pop, no tickling, and don't ask any questions, until I have woken up a bit (like I ever said it that nicely).

My brothers also played a large part in the 'people who made me laugh' group as well. Oh the stories...

Mom? well, she and I are rather equal in jovial-ness, especially in the mornings. Together, we have a lovely time, and can just BE.

Throughout life after 'home' there were friends who made me laugh, of coarse. Being an introvert, I am always drawn to the extroverts - who amaze and befuddle me - and make me laugh.

Then I married. Had I realized the power of laughter and that I needed a man who could make me laugh, I would have had that on the top of my "What I Want in a Mate" list. But God knew. BOY, did he know. I remember asking the Lord for a man who could understand me, 'cause I thought that would be quite a challenge for anyone. But my husband seems to go right through the "understanding me" issue and goes right to the heart of the matter, having the ability (most of the time, mind you) to make me laugh - at myself! What in the world? I didn't know I was sooo funny... er.. make that my melancholy-moods are rather ridiculous and hilarious when one sees herself behaving like such a silly. For the love of Sam, lighten up - that's me talking to myself.

When self-pity comes knocking at my door, and ringing the door bell, and rapping on the windows... errgh, I just have to open the door and laugh in it's face. "Get lost. Yes, I feel under-appreciated sometimes and I'd like to GET OUT and go shopping once in a while...by myself, but goodness, I don't want you hanging around reminding me of such fribble!".

Knock, knock, who's there? pity. pity-who? Exactly.

I am so thankful for the laughter my darling husband, my family and friends bring. I have lots of loosening up to do yet. Sometimes, I just have to dance like an idiot in front of my kids to lighten myself up and make them laugh... soon I'm rolling on the floor laughing too.... and what was I so down about anyway? huh, I don't [want] to recall.

Just laugh. It feels good.

Thankful For The Mundane

I have been struggling with writing a new blog post this week because of the heaviness in my heart for the people I know or am hearing about who have so many deep and difficult issues in their lives right now. Why should I write about the silly mundane things of my life when so many good people are trying to cope with trials and hardships I can't even imagine having to deal with myself?

As I sat thinking about that, I realized that part of my calling as one who belongs to the Creator is not only praying for those who are hurting, but also to "forget not all His benefits" (Psalm 103), to bless the Lord with all my soul. Therefore, the 'silly mundane things of my life' I ought to treasure, even celebrate, and remember how good I have it on behalf of those who are struggling (does that make sense?) For instance -

I get to wake up in the morning without the dreaded fear of a doctor's call telling me the malignant or benign test results.

I get to meet the daily, hourly, minute by minute needs of my children - whom I got to carry full-term and give birth to without any complications or birth defects.

I have a loving, adoring husband AND he has a stable job which financially carries us through, so that I can stay home with our children.

I don't have to go to the doctor on a weekly basis for chemotherapy or injections to fight a disease.

My parents are both living and our relationship is better than I could ask for, and not only that, but my in-laws and I have a great relationship as well.

I get to comfort my daughter throughout the night who is fighting a bad cold knowing that it is only a cold, and not a life-threatening illness.

I have a house I get to clean and meals to prepare, rather then wondering where my family and I will sleep for the night or if I will be able to feed them enough.


I think you get the idea. There are sooo many things, people, experiences, moments, and duties to appreciate and be thankful for.

Yahweh help me (and all of us) to not forget, to not take it for granted and please help and comfort all those hurting ones who are struggling to lift their heads and carry the load they carry right now.

Love notes:

My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life.
Psalms 119:50

Then maidens will dance and be glad, young men and old as well. I will turn their mourning into gladness; I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow.
Jeremiah 31:13

Who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.
2 Corinthians 1:4

I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety.
Psalms 4:8

The LORD gives strength to his people; the LORD blesses his people with peace.
Psalms 29:11

You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you.
Isaiah 26:3

But for you who revere my name, the sun of righteousness will rise with healing in its wings.
Malachi 4:2

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.
Psalms 147:3

Girls!

I had my ultrasound yesterday. Jason had to entertain the kiddo's, so it was just me. It was all so familiar - the ultrasound experience (with Grace I ended up getting something like 17 of them), but every time it is one of the most wonderful experiences of my heart. Especially at this early stage - seeing that tiny little pea in my pod.

I always leave shaking my head wondering how ANY parent could have Atheistic beliefs. I mean that tiny little person is only about five inches long and has a beating heart and fingers and organs and gender parts, and, and... it's growing INSIDE my body! Good Night Nurse! Mind-boggling. And let's not even begin talking about abortion... no, can't go there.

Psalm 139:13-14 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

Anyway, back to the point... my cute little sonographer let me see what gender the baby is. (They're not supposed to do that in BC - at least where I am living anyway). Pretty clear there were no boy parts. :)

Stunned. That's really the best word for how I feel. As well as absolutely thrilled.

Getting to be a mom of three girls and one adorable boy too! But THREE girls?! I walked away stifling giggles and giggle every time I think of it - me with three daughters. Just think of the shopping! The tea parties! The hair I'll be fixing! The emotions! The drama... And oh Father, the responsibility to raise them to have confidence, femininity, purity, respect, giving-hearts....... oh boy. I realize I am saying "I" a lot here - there is a wonderful, amazing husband doing this with me, but somehow me being the female, makes it all the more... sobering.

THANKFULLY, I get to depend on the Creator and His Spirit and His wisdom, protection, discernment and love. As well as call my mom frequently and ask her how she dealt with me.
Three girls.
I am not alone and by GOD, I can do this. :)

My Hope

Thought I would tell you about my daughter Hope.

Jason and I and our baby boy Justice had been living with my in-laws for about ten months, when I was crying out to the Lord - oh WHEN are we going to have our own place? When would I be able to have a home of my own and fulfill these dreams in my heart? I heard the Lord say, that I was pregnant with 'Hope' (and I saw myself about eight or nine months pregnant). At the time I thought He meant that my hopes would be fulfilled and given birth soon. We ended up being able to move into our house fairly soon after that and I also found out that I was pregnant.

We didn't know what gender we were getting until she was born - and even then I couldn't believe I got a girl! I thought surely we were going to have boys. I have three older brothers, and my oldest brother has five boys, and well, I must have been preparing my soul early on in life that I might not get a girl. But here she was in my arms, and all mine. And we named her HOPE. :) Isn't Yahweh funny?!

When I'm pregnant I always ask the Lord for a word or song or something for my kids and with Hope He just said, He was crazy about this one! She is loved by everyone who meets her. She is the most affectionate child I have ever beheld, her love-language is most certainly "touch". She is also very perceptive -

I have ALWAYS hated my ears. When I've looked in the mirror I always saw thick, sticking-out ears. (This is me at nine months... and my ears) I had never told Hope any of this of coarse. One night, several months ago, as Hope and I were commencing with our bed-time ritual of me laying beside her in her bed and her smothering me with kisses and hugs and "petting me" as she calls it: rubbing my arms or face, she grabbed my ear with her little hand and said, "oh, I need to hug your ears!" then she had to move my head over and do the same with the other ear and each ear got a kiss. "I love your ears momma... Their beautiful."

Oh dear. Oh my. Oh... Father. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry, so both came out. All these years of ear-loathing and self ear-mocking! Wow, God gave me those ears and just like Hope, He thinks their beautiful (so do my parents). I suddenly realized that I had been despising something He gave me and He created and, as silly as it sounds, must need love too. heh heh.

So, one little story (long though, sorry) among many about my Hope who will probably always be a giver of His HOPE wherever she goes. What a treasure.

So, don't forget to love yourself, 'cause I think it hurts His heart when we don't, you are His creation after all, every little bit of you.

Love,

Smart, Good-Looking AND Completely Inadequate.

Well, here I am. Posting my very first blog post. Hope you don't fall asleep as you read.

For as long as I can remember I have thought that I was rather dumb and of little value (even though my parents were extremely loving and encouraging and remain so today). Could have had something to do with the fact that I homeschooled; I taught myself via video's that I would fast forward or just do the subjects I liked, then go outside with my dog for long walks in the hills. Indeed, it was a very prestigious education.

I felt very fortunate to have passed the GED test in my Junior year. Then I headed to Bible College - and I passed those classes (gasp) - I prayed very fervantly before every test and paper, and I totally believed that the Lord helped me and He was the one who passed me.

Although I still believe He helped me, as I have matured a bit, developed a tad, and became a wife and mother, I have come to realize that quite possibly, I might actually, maybe, perhaps, potentially, incidentally have some God-given intellect!

Do you know? - I can breastfeed a baby, sing a lullaby, wipe a nose, plan dinner, write an email, look 'adorable' and explain to my daughter why she probably shouldn't eat that raisen-looking piece of fruit she found under the couch, ALL at the same time! Clearly it must take intellect, multiple digit and limb coordination, right and left brain synergy and good looks (my husband thinks I am adorable) to be able to be a wife and mother.

Being married to a man who loves me and has proven over and over again that he loves me in spite of my actions, over-emotional being, clumsiness, not to mention my daily lack of beauty-queen status has been a humbling and a beautiful gift from Yahweh (God) as well as a revelation of my worth.

Caring for little people on a 24-hour basis also establishes a sense of value - for one cannot have a baby and not feel needed in every capacity. But not only that, it's the love and affection of a my child that makes me melt into a puddle of humility considering that I can often hourly feel inadequate, have failed them in some way or another and entirely unable to fulfill the demands, yet their love of me is constant. Even overwhelmingly so - if you knew my daughter Hope, you would know what I mean.

But if you take all of that away - my husband, children, accomplishments, etc. - am I still of value and worth? I believe I am. (Hopefully I am not tested in that capacity!) The standard the world uses to measure a person's value is completely and utterly opposite to God's standard. He made me, I have worth. Period. It's my responsibility to give my life back to Him and be faithful and take part in His character so the value I have increases in measure by the amount of fruit I produce. Right? That's how I see it anyway.

We are each one valuable, worthy of love, and unconditionally loved, if not always by your family, there is always a Greater Love that surpasses all earthy love anyway.

I mess up (a lot), I ask for forgiveness and I receive love. I hope I will do better tomorrow. *what am I going to make for dinner?*